Today’s Kids Names Are Driving Me Nuts

I’ve been meaning to write about this for some time, and never have been able to summon up the passion for it. But yesterday I heard two kids names: Parker and Peterson.

Now I have the passion.

Can someone please tell me what the heck is up with kids names these days? Or, more to the point, what on earth are some parents thinking?

OK, you want a degree of uniqueness (contradiction in terms, I know) for your kid’s name. I understand that – my first name is John. OK, you want kind of a cool name – I can sort of understand that.

But it’s a kid’s name. It’s not the name of a new car or a trendy designer label.

Gazing down the list of kids names in my third grader’s class is liking peering into the desperately-seeking-cachet soul of today’s parent.

Dallas. Isn’t that cool, naming a kid after a city? Wow, too bad it’s been done 500 million times already.

Brayden. OK, thanks, now I’ll try to keep that separate from Braedon, Braiden, Braidon, Braydon, and about 30 other alternate spellings.

Alexis. Ummm … better get out the stilleto heels already.

Chelsea. Some things are so in they’re out. Tough luck.

Kynesha. Sounds black. Of course, her daddy can’t jump and her momma can’t dance …

Brianna. Perennial favorite. Been done to death.

These are actually some of the more inoffensive names for kids I’ve seen lately. And everyone’s heard about the monstrosities that certain celebrities have foisted on their soon-to-be-suicidal kids.

Absolutely horrible celebrity baby names include Pilot, courtesy of Jason Lee and fiancee Beth Riesgraf. Scout – brought into the world by Bruce Willis and Demi Moore. (Plus their other doozy, Rumer. Don’t ask me if it’s male or female.)

Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin have entered the dumbest baby name ever sweepstakes with Apple, but they’re running extreme second fiddle to Frank Zappa and his beloved Dweezil. Toni Braxton and Keri Lewis thought Dweezil was so cool they decided to name their sexless offspring Diezel.

One can only guess that Diezel is a male, but of course one is a male chauvinist pig who has been raised in a mysogynist patriarchal society, so one’s gut feeling is probably dead wrong, every time, like most other aspects of one’s severely flawed character.

Then there’s the famed sound engineer Audio Science, son of the desperately clueless Shannyn Sossamon and Dallas Clayton.

Elle MacPherson obviously has high designs for her son, the auspicious-sounding Aurelius. But Jermaine Jackson is unfortunately falling short of the penthouse and landing smack-dab in the trailer park with the sad-sack (and very un-faintly ridiculous) Jermajesty.

Are parents thinking they’re doing their kids a favor? Do parents think their children will thank them for these nasty (but very cool) names?

Unbelievable. But back to Parker and Peterson.

The trend of skootching over last names to the primary position has got to stop. It was bad enough with little Johnson. It can only get worse with Bush. Or imagine, if you can, baby Ainsworth. It’s actually not that hard, considering what you’ve just read. After all, we already have many Ashtons troubling the planet.

I will not be satisfied, however, until we have a Rutgers or Rutherford. Or, what about a Vanderbilt?

That sounds rich, doesn’t it? Maybe the kid’ll grow up and own Microsoft or something.