Today, you will make a million dollars. Or not.

I never read newspapers. Well, almost never.

But right now I’m on a flight to Dallas, Texas, on my way to a convention in San Antonio. And I happened to pick up the complimentary newspaper while boarding the flight.

It’s a great paper, by most measures – the Globe & Mail. One of Canada’s two national newspapers.

But it has a horoscope section, just like any tabloid rag. It’s been years since I’ve seen a horoscope. Today I decided to read it, just for fun. And it is a lot of fun. As long as you treat it for what it is: complete and utter nonsense.

Take the advice for Aries:

You feel confident in your abilities – you honestly believe there is nothing you cannot do. However, other aspects warn you would do well to remember that there is always someone who is bigger and better than you.

In other words, you believe can fly in directions other than straight down. But you need to remember that it’s very, very tricky.

Cancer gets the same ambivalent treatment:

You must get things moving today but you must also be cautious …

Sally Brompton, the genius who puts this particular bit of nonsense together, admits the obvious by continuing with “although that might sound contradictory it is simply a matter of getting the balance right.”

Taurus gets something a little different. Instead of the noncommittal it-might-rain-today-but-then-again-it-might-be-sunny nonsense, Taurus gets an ingenious twist: the self-fulfilling prophecy:

You may be thinking of give up on a plan or project that you once had such high hopes for but something will happen to day that makes you think again.

Something like the horoscope that you’re reading right now, perhaps?

Libra follows another well-worn path: completely uncontroversial and always-applicable advice …

You may be a nice guy by nature but every now and then you go right the other way and say or do something that is uncalled for an today’s cosmic alignment warns against annoying individuals you would do well to stay on good terms with.

You can probably count the number of people who don’t think that they’re pretty good guys on one hand, and the number of people who haven’t gone off half-cocked and said something they later regret on the other.

I really can’t believe people read this stuff. Even more, I can’t believe people write this stuff – and pretend that the planets and stars have anything at all to do with a person’s opportunities and choices in life.

I find it dishonest, manipulative, and disgusting in the extreme.

But extremely entertaining if read with a few buckets of salt.